Mandy (brokendowninit) wrote in deardlish,

This is going to be long. but if anyone actually reads this, i will be grateful. and just ignore my typos...

(the end of)February '03: i met my 'boyfriend' daniel. things happened really fast, dating within a week of meeting, and me staying at his place for almost 2 months, until i moved in right next door, in his apartment complex, May of '03.

the end of june, or the begining of july (i am not quite sure of the actual dates) things started getting pretty bad again. fighting all the time about my past, and the fact that i spent lots of time on the computer, even though it was always when he wasn't around (i would spend the time he was around with him), about how i spend the money that i got from my family, not having a job. things like that. it just got to be too hard, because we couldn't agree on anything. even though he had valid reasons, a lot of it was just jealousy, and thinking bad about my actions because they aren't what he conciders to be the smartest choices.

so then his brother, who i had pretty much just seen as 'his brother' was around a lot, and some night i sat down with him and talked about the things going on between my boyfriend and i. just trying to figure out what to do. little to my knowledge or realization, my boyfriend thought that was the start of the things that eventually did happen. but i didn't see things like that.

some weeks later the brother gets sick or was in an accident, and was out of work, so he stayed at my boyfriend's place. i was usually over there all the time anyways, so after my boyfriend left for work at night (he works graveyard) i would just stay over there and usually sleep in his bed if i did sleep, or whatever. so since his brother was there we would hang out, for me it was pretty innocent, he was nice, actually listened to what i had to say, and just there. a lot of our conversations were about what was wrong with my b/f and i, and me wondering what i should do to fix it, even though i had completely oposite views on the issues, i just wanted to knwo what to do.

well my boyfriend finally got fed up with the fighting, and broke up with me. so i was at home, and the brother, i think, came over, and invited me to go over there to hang out. also at the time my boyfriend's roomate was my friend as well so sometimes i would be over to hang out with her. but it usually ended up me and the brother being the ones up, and not having anything else to do.

well my boyfriend didn't like that one bit. not only because i was spending time with him, and my boyfriend still cared about me, but because he has a serious deep and rational problem with girls he's been involved with doing stuff with his brother. and i was still under the whole "he's just someone there, and someone to talk to mode". but i guess i was blind, and didn't see that there was some thing happening between us, nothing deep, but more along the lines of the brother wanting to get laid, and he put up with my b/s talking, so he could do that.(but i didn't know this exactly til months later)

now after i think like 4 days from when my boyfriend broke up with me, i started to have feelings for the brother. we were hanging out and talking and expressed out like for each other, and a couple days after that we went out with his brother(another one) and friends to a movie, that night, we were at his friend's place, and my boyfriend was trying to get ahold of me, but my phone was in the car, and the brother wouldn't let my boyfriend talk to me on his phone. so we hang out there for awhile, he tells me all this crap about living life regret free, blah blah blah, and says he doesn't know why he hasn't just tried to make a move because thats normally how he is, like i'm something special(hence why i thought he actually liked me), and we kissed. after awhile we leave and decide to go to my place, durring the drive back i talk to my boyfriend, he's pretty irate and crazy at this point. and i'm just really upset because he's the guy i wanted, but he broke up with me, and now that i'm not pining over him, he wants me back? and i blindly thought that what i was doing was okay, like the brother liked me, and ex-boyfriends just get upset.

well we get there, and its about 3am, the boyfriend's lunch break. he says that hes gonna be there soon. as we are pulling up i notice that my car(that i wasn't even driving yet, that my mother just dropped of there that day) has its tires deflated, now of course i'm thinking my tires were slashed, and it was the boyfriend.

there i get beyond pissed, to the point where i don't even know what to do, but i'm very calm. i get a call from the boyfriend telling me to go down to my car, so i have the brother go with me, just in case (if someone is gonna slash your tires(even tho it turne dout he just deflated them, no damage done), who knows what else they might do right? well thats where i was at) so i get down there and there are some roses and a note on the top of the car. i don't remember what the note said now, and i feel bad for that but i was kinda of distracted. so i'm thinkng what the hell is up with this? this is crazy. then i see and hear a car speed back to where my car was, and the boyfriend gets out.

i walk away from him and the brother while they exchange words, and he tells me how hurt he is, but i couldn't deal with it so i sat down and started crying. after they talked, the boyfriend left. me and the brother went upstairs. and talked for a bit, and then i hear a knock or maybe my phone rang, anyways my boyfriend was outside, and wanted a few minutes to talk, which took longer than that.

he let out everyting inside him, his feelings how sorry he was, how he made a mistake, and how all the shit he did was just out of not knowing what to do. he wanted to fix things he wanted to be with me. but i told him i didn't know what i wanted. because of all the things he just did, and society would have said to never talk to him again, and even though my heart wanted to say yes i'll be with you again, i was afraid that he would just end up leaving or go crazy on me. and i'm sure he won't believe this after he reads it, but its the truth. i was afraid, and didn't know what to do.

i told him we would talk in the morning when he got off work, and that he should go back to work. so he left, i went inside, and he called me, and littlerally flipped out, it took like 40 minutes just to tell him that we would talk, and that he needs to be calm. he begged me not to sleep with his brother. and i don't remember what i said, i really don't. i either said i wouldn't, or i said i don't know what's going to happen. either way i know it was bad.

so we finish talking. and i bring out blankets and pillows for his brother to sleep on the couch, and start to walk back into my room to lay down. and then his brother chimes in with "hey you dont want me to sleep in your bed?" as he walks in my room and lays down. we start kissing, and i dont know who started it, but i'm almost positive he did, because there i was at first just having him sleep on the couch, and then things kinda progress onward, with him leading the way.

if you ask me why i did it, i will tell you the same reason i had then. i was hurt, the person i loved broke up with me, and then freaked out, and here was someone who was acting like they cared, and i needed that, and i felt like i HAD to go along with it. it didn't last long, and we didn't even finish, because it just wasn't working, the communication wasn't happening, so i just layed there while he decided to play mr. i wanna snuggle, and at the time i either wanted to be simply held, with out anthing else, or just have him go away, and even though at this moment i really don't like the guy one bit, i'm sure at the time i just wanted to be held, mainly because he was a body with a pair of arms, that was THERE.

after a little bit of the snuggle b/s, i tell him its time for him to go. so he leaves, and a little while later my boyfriend comes home. we talk for awhile, he asks what he has to do to fix things, tells me he just wants to be with me, and says that the only things he wants form me are to take him back and decide if i want to go to vegas or the beach, because he wanted to take me to one of those places. so we made up, and i guess he had asked me if anything happened with his brother. and i didn't say yes or no, i just avoided that part of the situation, when in reality i lied. ok there i admit it.

so things go on from there, we get back together, break up, have tons of other issues, and yet one thing that always got brought up is how i tried to do stuff with his brother.

so fast forward to february '04. issues, issues issues...something happenes to where its brought up that i would concider doing stuff with his brother. my reasoning, because i hadn't gotten any in awhile. but i wasn't gonna try, it was just a thought. the boyfriend finds out about that thought by reading my journal, asks who it is, for over an hour, til i crack. then he stumbles on the 'right' questioning, and finds out what really happened last year. he is mad and up set for awhile, but we ended up making up, in the best way we have. at this point its gotten to where were not actually b/f and g/f, but were not 'seeing' other people. and instead of him giving me greif for trying to do things, he now is giving me greif for doing them, since he now knows.

and so time passes up and down like usual, and it comes to today. i told him i wanted things to end until he decided to care about my side of the issues we have had (like him being with other people as well in the past months, him not listening, him insulting me. etc.) and where he is at, is, he doesn't feel he has to listen to anything i say or do the things i want because i 'never' do the things that he wants and i hurt him. and not only that i lied to him about what happened. even though he had done similar things, that still hurt me just as bad, i lied to him about what i did. so that makes it worse.

and right now he wants me to find out how to fix my side of the problems, and do so, and then he said he should start caring after that, and things would be better. so this whole thing that i am writing out is for help in doing so. there are other thinsg that he wants, but this is the main one that doesn't have any easy fix.

what i need is to know what i can do to fix this issue. because me asking him to talk to me, and try and get past it, and try and have a good relationship with me isn't what he is willing to do yet. he doesn't want to give up the wall he's built to protect himself, to do those things because he is afraid i will do it again, and even though i tell him as long as he doesn't leave me, and treats me with respect, and cares, there won't be problems, that isn't good enough.

so what do you do when you're trying to regain trust from someone who barely trusts anyone in the first place, that you screwed over majorly?

i expect bad comments, and people saying we should just stay apart permanantly, but we can't stay way from each other, so it's not an option, and the bad comments won't help. but if anyone can give any advice i thank you, and thank you very much for reading this.

i do genuinely feel bad for hurting him. but i want him to stop feeling hurt. i want him to be okay with me so that we can stop all the fighting and have a good relationship.

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