Private (sicksexfix) wrote in deardlish,
Private
sicksexfix
deardlish

I'm confused, maybe you can help me out?

So I saw Nate today... twice. I was waiting for the shuttle and he was driving into the apartment complex and as he slowed down to turn in I immediately pretended not to see him and started rummaging around in my purse looking for something.. and as he turned in I decided against ignoring him because I thought it was just stupid and not something I would do so I looked up and smiled and waved. He kind of did a double take(maybe because of my new bangs? did he not recognize me for a minute?)

So I go to the lab, come back in 4 hours or so and decide to stop by his place since I didn't think he'd gone to class yet. I see his roommate Leo outside walking the dog so I decided to say hey as I was sure he'd let me in to see if Nate was home. I walk upstairs and Nate's getting ready to leave, brushing his teeth in the bathroom. I walk up behind him and just ask what I needed to.

"Did you want your tape back?" (We'd made a porn about a week before we broke up; and some of it taped over his 21st birthday party.. I figured it was important and not to mention that I'd stolen it from his room when he wasn't there (it was a bad breakup and I don't trust him with it) so I figured he wanted it back and would just tape over our stuff or something)

"Nope. You can get rid of it" (and he starts motioning for me to just pull the actual film out of the cartridge)
"Okay. I think I can figure it out." and I started walking away. I get halfway down the hall when he says:
"How was your spring break?"

We start chit chatting about random stuff. He's asking the questions. I just stood there answering him as I watched him get ready. He either forgot or pretended he didn't remember where I was moving to. Which happened to be one of the main reasons we aren't together anymore.

"...so I have to do that before I move."
"oh. you ARE moving? where are you moving to?" I think that was the first emotion I'd made in my face since I walked up and said hello. My eyes just bugged out but I tried to hide it and I think I did a good job.

He asked about school, when I'm moving...blah blah blah. I just kind of stood there, I wasn't sure what to say or do or if he wanted me to leave so I just...stood there while he rushed around getting stuff and closing doors. We walk downstairs finally and he talks to his roommate Leo briefly and I felt awkward, I just stood there half watching them talk and half standing in the living room, I didn't know whether or not to wait for him and walk him out or just leave, I didn't want to look like I was waiting for him.. so I immediately just start walking towards the door and as soon as I open it it seems like their conversation finished and he's standing right behind me following me out.

This is where I get awful pangs of nostalgia for a few seconds. I remembered how I'd felt walking out of his door with him behind me many times before and the happiness and peace I'd feel that I didn't feel walking out this time and it was enough to make me cry. So I get very sad and mixed feelings, just general mixed feelings, especially of apprehension to the point where I was just confused so I start walking away from him but something makes me turn back, I see him out of the corner of my eye and we're standing a foot apart and he's facing me. I don't know which of us stopped first. Either way, we're facing each other and I didn't know what to say... the silence was really weird. I wanted to just say "okay bye" and walk away like I'd never felt anything for him. I was just acting very differently around him, I'm usually loud and open with a lot of hand gestures, etc. but my voice was low and quiet and I barely moved at all. I just didn't feel at ease. I didn't know how to act.

I stared at the ground for a split second and this whole time I've had my cell phone in hand (I was talking on it when I walked over there) and I just kind of glanced at it for a moment as my friend called me and I ignored the call. I looked up at him and our eyes locked and I felt something. I told myself it was nothing and maybe I was just forcing myself to feel something, I don't know. I thought I saw something in his eyes too but I immediately forced that out of my head and glanced again at my phone because I just didn't know what else to say.

He reached down into his pocket (where he keeps his phone) and says:
"My number is the same." (a million things start running through my head, one being: WHY IS HE TELLING ME THIS?)
"oh. I don't have your number anymore." (his phone got disconnected so I just erased his number)
"...407" and I stared at him for a split second, very confused, my head was telling me to tell him off immediately and refuse his number and walk off (like I would very normally do) but I just flipped open my phone and took the number down.
"you better watch out.." (I looked up at him) ".. I just might call you everyday" and I started laughing because it was sort of an inside joke, he started laughing in kind of an embarassed way ("oh yeah?" and he smiled at me)
I started walking away and I decided to call his phone so he had my number so he'd know mine in case he wanted to contact me.
"I'm calling your phone so you have my number"
"I still have it"
"No, it's a different number"

and that was it. we broke up a month and a half ago. his roommate comes by (Leo) later on in the night and he's like
"why are you and nate talking? I was surprised I thought you guys didn't talk?"

So I told him the story and I was like "can you offer any explanation? because im really confused"

and he thought about it and was like "well...I think that now with (insert other roommate's name here) gone, things have calmed down a bit and he's seeing that he made a mistake and it's probably not a good idea to burn bridges"

But what do you think? I have no desire to call him. right now I sort of feel like I could either have a purely sexual relationship with him or have a meaningful, close, friendship. The first one, he's already told me he doesn't want to have with me. Countless times since we broke up. The second one, I don't think he could even have or handle.

I really don't feel the need to ever call him though, and since I've stopped calling him at all, I've met some new guys. I don't know, he just really confused me. I don't know what he wants.
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