_♥ SARAKiNS ♥_ (_glitterette) wrote in deardlish,
_♥ SARAKiNS ♥_

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At the end of the rope.

Something is really killing me, and I need to seek advice. If you actually read all of this, I will be very flattered.

My boyfriend & I have been together for just over a year now. I am 19, he is almost 23 ( in a week ). Well, he's in the Air Force, and back in October ( we were dating about 6 months then ), he was sent to Vegas on a TDY. He was to be there for 1 month.

The night he was packing to leave for Vegas ( we weren't living together yet ), he left to go to his friends house to pick up some shoe shine. He left at about 6PM, and disappeared. I called and called his cellphone, and he never picked up. What irritated me the most was that I had to drop him off on base at 5AM, and he wasn't even done packing. His cell phone was on vibrate, in his pocket, so it's not like when I called him he couldn't feel the vibrations on his leg!! At about 2AM, he walked in the door a little buzzed. Needless to say, I was TICKED. I was actually packing FOR him, because he had to leave in a few hours and I didn't know what to do. I actually thought he had gotten into some kind of accident. I was worried and confused. He told me that he was sorry, but he saw an old friend he hadn't seen for 2 years and so they drank some beers and lost track of time. I happened to be ironing his uniform at the time, and I wanted to throw the iron at his head. I didn't, though.

So I yelled at him instead. This isn't the first time he's pissed me off, that's for sure. A few months before he had left me ALONE at his parents house, 5 hours from home, so that he could drive 1 hour away to go out with some people he knew to drink. There was another "old friend" there that he supposedly wouldn't be able to see again for a few years up there. Obviously I am not old enough, but I wouldn't have been the youngest in the group! My friend, 18 at the time, would have been there as well. But he insisted that I wouldn't be able to go with them ( a bar, in which they didn't even end up going to anyway ), didn't seem to care about my feelings and the fact that I was going to be sitting home alone at his PARENTS HOUSE waiting for an intoxicated boyfriend of mine to come prancing through the door at 3AM ( that is the time he promised to be home by ). I didn't see why he was going to leave me ( this was only the 2nd time I had met his family ), because even if someone I HATED was staying at my parents house, I could NEVER just LEAVE THEM THERE. And I was his GIRLFRIEND. So he asked me for some money since he was broke, and left me there alone for 7 hours. And when he said 3AM, he MEANT 3AM. He walked in at 3 on the DOT. He pushed it as far as he could go.

Okay, anyway, back to the first story. I yelled at him, and he wasn't happy to hear it. I told him he was immature, and that he needed to get his priorities straight. I mean, out drinking when you need to be PACKING because you have to leave in 2 hours to go on a TDY, and here I am packing FOR HIM when it's not even my responsibility?! He tells me that I act immaturely sometimes, but HE was the 22 year old who was acting like a child here. And he didn't even get the damn shoe shine, either.

I dropped him off 2 hours later and we said our goodbyes.

He told me he would call me when he got there, which I didn't expect for a while because I knew they would be busy. Well, the phone call came a few days after he had landed. I think since he was there in Vegas for that month, I got about 5, maybe 6 phone calls total. And if we talked for 3 minutes, I was LUCKY. I am NOT even exaggerating. We usually didn't make it to a minute in the call because he was always "so busy". Which I can understand, but for five 1-2 minute phone calls in the whole MONTH?! Come on. He pisses longer than the phone calls he gave me.

Well at one point I hadn't heard from him for TWO WEEKS. Half the time he was there!! He was supposed to come back November 1st, and on Halloween, the day before, I get a phone call from him. I knew something was wrong.

He sounded very stern. Like he didn't care to hear my voice at all. Told me that he needed to be picked up the next day, and that he wasn't sure if he was going to move in with me when he returned ( we had been talking about it ). His excuse was, he "had no money". Umm, wow. He definitely got money for going there, and unless he had blown it all in casinos, he should have had PLENTY. I asked him what was wrong, and he just said we needed to talk. I asked him what about, and he said we'd talk about it the next day.

When I came and picked him up the next day, I knew I was ready for a heart break. I actually cried prior to the pick up to try to get as much as I could out, that way he couldn't feel like he actually truly hurt me.

He walked up to me, and I just stood there. I wanted to hug him so bad but I knew he had cheated on me. I could see it in his eyes. He dropped his bags and squeezed me. I don't think he's ever hugged me like that before. I didn't hug him back. I just looked him straight in the eyes and said, "Who did you sleep with, Cato?" ( thats what his nickname is ). He responded with, "Damn, hun... hi to you too. You really get straight to the point, don't you?" and nervously laughed. I wasn't joking. He told me.

She was an ex-stripper. Her name was Lisa. I asked him what he felt towards her, and he said she was "cool". He "liked" her.

Somehow I didn't even cry. God, my heart was pounding so loud and fast I swear he probably heard it too. I just stood there, not really shocked because I somehow knew it beforehand, but just kind of trying to take it all in. I got into the car, and as we were driving I sunk low into my seat and blasted the music. I didn't want to talk to him. I could see he was staring at me from the corner of my eye, but I really didn't care for him at the moment. He grabbed my hand. I let him.

When we got home, I didn't even turn any lights on. Funny how you can be when you're that upset. I felt like my whole world was dark, and I really kept it that way. I sat down on the couch and covered my face with a pillow. He sat down next to me and I saw his eyes watering up. The 6'5", 230 lb tough guy, started crying.

Well, we talked and talked, and I didn't know what to think. As crazy about him as I was, for the first time EVER I didn't want to be with him. I really, truly, did not. And I never thought I'd say that about him. He is the first guy I have ever felt this way about. But just the way he was looking at me was different. It was like for the first time he LOVED me. He couldn't take his hands off me ( not in a sexual way people ), and kept me probably as close as someone could be without having penetration of some kind. But I can say that just the way he looked at me seemed as though THAT is when he loved me. Though he told me he had before that night many MANY times, this is the first time that I actually felt it. And it was after he was telling me that he had cheated on me.

Blah blah blah, so moving on. I went through a deep DEEP depression, and to try to make it feel more right, I went out and had a little something with two other guys. I thought that it would make me feel better, like I was getting revenge, but it only made me feel worse. I felt like I was no better than him ( we were still together at the time ). The mistakes that we had made but a serious strain on our relationship.

But there's even more of an issue. Something kind of personal.

We found out later, that we both had an STD. No, not chlamydia,, gonorrhea... not something where you can take a pill and say goodbye to. This is an STD that never goes away. Human Papillomavirus. HPV. And we will have it the rest of our lives.

Don't know who got it from who or who gave it to whom. Problem is, I still can't let what he did to me go. And I told him what I have done to him, to try to get back at him, and he can somehow let it go. Or at least not at like it bothers him in the way what he did bothers me. I know it hurts him, but how can he just push it to the back of his mind?? I think thats how girls differ from guys. Females NEED to talk about it. We need to vent; I can't just not express my feelings and pretend like I'm not hurting. But with him, he never expresses his feelings. He can just brush it off and pretend like everything is okay.
The good thing is....... he has completely changed. He isn't that asshole I once knew. He is considerate of my feelings, and treats me with respect. He has done more in and for to better our relationship in these past 2 months than I thought he would ever do in 10 years. I love him, and I can truly say that I believe he will not do anything like that again. Not just because he really CAN'T ( because of the HPV ), but just that he wouldn't.

But now the problem is with me. I am so insecure ( I always have been, but when he slept with another girl that just made it 10x worse ), and so JEALOUS it's sickening. It literally drains the life right out of me. So now I am probably the most jealous person on the planet, insecure like you would never believe, and I CAN'T FORGET WHAT HE DID TO ME. Everytime I hear the words "Vegas" or "Lisa", I get chills down my spine. And this was 6 months ago.

And it's not like I'm any better than him. I did it right back so that I could feel revenge, but it only made it worse. I can't let the past go, and I feel like it's tearing us apart. And I'm so jealous/insecure that it's even HARDER. Recently he got orders to England for 2 years, and asked me to go with. I have been back and forth with that question for the past 2 months ( he has to leave next week ). Part of me feels like I NEED to go because I will no longer be able to be with any one else. But what if he really DOES hurt me?? I will have moved to another country for him. I'd REALLY be screwed then. Now that I have this fucking STD, it's not like I can become really close to anyone again. It's not exactly a turn-on or a wonderful thing to have. HOW CAN I EVER BE WITH ANYONE ELSE?! If I met someone I felt close to, we could never get close like that. If we were about to become physical, the person wouldn't want to do anything with me! He wouldn't know if he is going to be with me for the rest of his life.. so why take something from me that REALLY WILL?

I DO love Cato, but now I need help. I need help with my confidence. With letting go of the past and moving on. I need help with the jealousy factor. He talks about marriage to me, and I see it happening. But because he was such an asshole in the past, so many people tell me to move on. But the STD changes things for me. I can't tell just anyone/everyone that, so I wonder if they knew... would they tell me then to try to stay in the relationship?

I LOVE HIM. I want this to work. I want to feel like I'm worth something. I have been raped several times in my past, starting from when I had just turned 14, and so that really affects me, even today. I want to be with him. But it's like every single day the knife in my back gets pushed in a little further. And I can't take it anymore.

I never knew what depression could really do to someone.

Help me.
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